Losing myself in motherhood

Dear Readers, Reflecting over the past five months, I would tell you that the hardest part of motherhood has been… me. It’s not the crippling sleep deprivation or the exhausting demands of a newborn baby that inspired this blog. People warned me about a lot of the challenges that lie ahead but not one person mentioned that I would have to adapt to a new identity overnight and that it could be hard. Very hard. As soon as I announced my pregnancy with the world last spring, my husband and I were flooded with homemade gifts, baby gear, clothing, baby hygiene products and of course the essentials like diapers and wipes. After 17 years together, we were met with shock and pure elation from everyone, especially our parents. We didn’t have dreams of having children, even after that many years together. It all seemed to happen so fast once we decided to just let things happen if they were meant to be. I guess they were. Fast forward to November 9, 2022 at 10:42 am when Evangeline joined the world. I had a scheduled C-section because she was insistent on doing things her way and staying in a transverse (breech) position! That was a good first lesson in parenting - to be flexible and forfeit control in some situations.

Evangeline was placed on my chest in the operating room at five minutes old. I immediately learned the true definition of selflessness and that it’s possible to deeply love someone you just met. Over the following three months, I enjoyed a maternity leave at home with my new baby and I was planning to dive back into the professional world of corporate marketing. After all, going into my office for an 8-5 Monday through Friday work grind was what I had always known and honestly, come to enjoy. Along the way somewhere I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself in motherhood.

Why the double entendre?

The easy part. It’s a privilege to stay at home with Evangeline and witness all of her laughs, milestones and new quirks. I lose myself in the joyous moments with her throughout the day. I do not need to rush out of work and pick her up somewhere. The hard stuff. It hurts to feel like I’ve lost my identity and am no longer the career-focused person who I was before. For 39 years I had my own individual talents and accomplishments and now I am first referenced as “Evangeline’s mom.” Somedays, my biggest accomplishment is giving her a bath without her crying.

No one talked about this identity piece or braced me for the inner struggle that may occur in early motherhood. Success looks different now. In some ways, this journey would have been a lot easier 10 or 15 years ago. My back wouldn’t be as sore when I carry her for long periods of time. I wouldn’t be as settled in my habits, my career, my title, my identity. Change gets harder with age. However, Evangeline’s story starts right now. Not 10 or 15 years ago. I want other moms who are facing this same struggle to know that I see you. I empathize with you. I know how painful it can be when you feel that a part you has died. I know how confusing it is when it’s caused by something that gives you so much joy. It comes with the territory to feel like your identity has changed because – it has. Here's where I offer some unsolicited advice that I hope may help you. Find a few trusted friends that listen to understand and not to respond or judge, get a mentor that really understands the postpartum period, seek out local mom groups or contact a local women’s resource center.

Most importantly, give yourself grace to struggle with this enormous change. Know that this too shall pass.